


Petal Picking

by CheckYourLie (svnwritten)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Donghyuck thinks he's obvious, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Growing Up, Hanahaki Disease, Idiots in Love, M/M, Mark is Icarus to Donghyuck's sun, Mutual Pining, Requited Unrequited Love, spoiler alert: not according to Mark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-02-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:40:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22702588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/svnwritten/pseuds/CheckYourLie
Summary: If Donghyuck is the sun, then Mark is a flower, giving all of his petals for Donghyuck.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 14
Kudos: 148





	Petal Picking

**Author's Note:**

> Hey fam,  
> this is my first nct fic and ofc it had to be markhyuck.  
> This is also my first hanahaki au! Personally I love hanahaki aus so I thought I could as well try writing one!
> 
> trigger warnings: hanahaki disease, descriptions of vomiting, mentions of blood and anxiety attack

Mark’s eyebrows furrowed. He could feel Donghyuck’s eyes on himself with every inch of his body. The coldest of shivers ran down his spine. He never knew what to do when Donghyuck looked at him like that. Like Mark was a center or the world. It made him stressed. 

“Oh my god! I can’t believe that you even  _ consider _ that?” laughed Renjun, quick with judgment and with even quicker sharp tongue.

Jaemin laughed, patting Renjun’s thigh. 

“No. No, I don’t believe the love at first sight” Mark finally shook his head, ready to answer the question. With the corner of his eyes, he could see Donghyuck biting at the inner side of his cheek. “But I do believe in soul connection at first sight.” he finished swiftly, looking at the people around him.

Chenle arched his eyebrow and stuffed his mouth with more popcorn, mumbling something incoherent. Jisung dug an elbow into Chenle’s ribs, making him wince with pain and spit a few pieces of half-chewed popcorn. 

“Gross,” Donghyuck commented and for one terrible split of a second Mark thought that it was because of what Mark said. “Keep that in your mouth, Lele. Save it for later.” he wiggled his eyebrows. Mark felt a little bit lighter.

“Soul connection,” Jeno repeated thoughtfully and scratched the back of his neck. “Sounds suspiciously similar to the idea of soulmates, doesn’t it?”

“It’s not though!” Mark squeaked, suddenly feeling defensive. 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever Mark says.” Donghyuck waved his hand, both crashing Mark’s hopes and erasing the anxiety in his stomach. “We all know that he’s a massive sap. He might as well believe in soulmates if he wants to.”

“I do not!” Mark opposed loudly, this time pushing Donghyuck away. He hated the way Donghyuck’s eyelashes flattered innocently when he stuck his tongue out. 

Mark tried mirroring the action but he mused that it hardly had a similar effect as the corners of his lips were curling up involuntarily. Donghyuck beamed at him before turning away and letting out a wet cough.

“Well whatever, if you find the one your soul soars for, let us know Mark. We have to be ready for the loadshit of flying hearts around you!” snorted Jaemin and clicked play on the remote control. 

“For the last time, I don’t mean it like _ that. _ ” Mark argued weakly before Donghyuck slapped his hand over Mark’s mouth.  _ Gross. _ Mark was pretty sure it was the same hand that Donghyuck had just coughed at.

Mark didn’t like calling this connection “soulmates”. “Soulmate” sounded too romantic. What he felt for Donghyuck wasn’t even remotely romantic. 

**\--- 3 years later ---**

“Dude, what you feel for Hyuck sounds pretty gay to me.” Johnny snorted into his red paper cup. Why he didn’t bother with buying a normal mug until now was beyond Mark’s imagination. 

“What?” Mark squeaked caught completely off-guard, feeling his cheeks cover with a scarlet blush. Oh, he hated how it burned. “Where does it even come from? I do not!” he added quickly.

Johnny raised his eyebrows at him. “Oh, you haven’t realized yet?” he asked genuinely curious.

“I do realize!” Mark replied instantly, realizing his mistake as soon as the sentence left his mouth. He had always been bad with words. “I mean! I realize that I do not… I’m not… We- There’s nothing I feel for Hyuck!” his voice grew high-pitched at the end and he could feel it scratch his throat uncomfortably as if there was something there blocking the air. 

“There’s… nothing you feel… for Hyuck…” Johnny repeated slowly as if in disbelief and Mark seriously couldn’t get it. Donghyuck and he had been best bros. Nothing more. It was obvious that Mark talked about Donghyuck. They were best friends. Best friends talk about each other with other people! They were two lego bricks in one set, their souls…. They were connected. Mark could feel his shoulders drop.

“We’re best friends, Johnny. Nothing more. Not now, not ever.” Mark stated firmly, raising from the chair and taking his mug from the table. Yes, he was lame like that and drank soda from a ceramic mug. At least he had a mug. On the contrary to Johnny with whom he had been sharing the flat for the past few months. 

“Not ever?” Johnny rolled the empty cup across the table, leaving a wet trail after the rim. “But weren’t you two soulmates?”

“It doesn’t mean that we like each other romantically.” Mark cut shortly and put the mug into the sink. “What I feel for Donghyuck isn’t even remotely romantic.” 

**\--- 3 months later ---**

Donghyuck threw his head back, exposing his throat and the way it flexed when he laughed. Donghyuck laughed and Mark felt dizzy, be it from the alcohol or something much more complicated. He didn’t dwell on that.

Donghyuck laughed and laughed and laughed and it felt as though Mark’s soul was about to burst with happiness because he hadn’t seen Donghyuck in over a month and they were together now and Donghyuck was laughing and Mark had always been weak for Donghyuck’s laugh. Mark smiled like the idiot that he was and brought the cup to his lips, hiding the smile behind the secure wall of plastic and a lukewarm beer, because what else could he do? He could either tug himself back into his safe shell and watch Donghyuck laugh or move closer and rest his chin in the dip of Donghyuck’s collarbones and feel his laugh with his own skin and Mark could also -

\- Mark’s eyes met Johnny’s attentive gaze. Mark glanced between Johnny, his raised eyebrows and teasing smile, and Donghyuck, his beautiful throat and drops of sweat on his neck.

Suddenly everything around them was white noise and Mark’s eyes widened in realization and the bitterness on his tongue wasn’t pleasant anymore.

_ Shit. _

What he felt for Donghyuck could possibly be, a little bit, remotely romantic. 

* * *

Mark thought that he had this under control until he didn’t. He wasn’t sure when it slipped from his hands when he was gripping it so tightly when he was clenching the last shreds of hope as if he was dying. Because he hoped, oh he  _ hoped _ , that it was just a stupid infatuation. That it wasn’t something else. The forbidden l-feeling. Feeling that he didn’t dare to whisper in the darkness of the room. A word that wouldn’t fall from his lips even if he was the only person on earth.

He was  _ so  _ scared. 

His feelings terrified him. And so did losing control. 

He could feel his figure tremble, dance shakily every time Donghyuck looked at him, smiled at him, even as much as breathed in his direction. 

Mark was still standing but he knew that it was only a matter of time until his knees would break under the weight of his own emotions.

“Hey, Mark! Do you still have your old Nintendo somewhere?” Donghyuck’s head was dangling off the bed upside down. He looked like an idiot. Mark loved it.

“Probably.” Mark shrugged and made a move to get up. “I’m pretty sure I left it at my parents’ but I can get it for you next time I’m there.” Because of course that he could. His throat and stomach twisted uncomfortably. He blamed it on Johnny’s left-over pasta. “What do you need it for?” he asked, rummaging through his drawers. There was still a chance that Nintendo was crumpled somewhere here…

He had found an old ballpen, a bunch of sweatbands, some notebook (that he didn’t dare to open) and a broken phone until he realized that the room was eerily silent. And the thing with Donghyuck was. That he was never silent. Mark whipped his head around to look at Donghyuck, his blood running cold.

From the perspective of time, he wondered if maybe it was the moment he fell. Or maybe he had only stumbled, the moment he saw the shy, embarrassed blush spread across Hyuck’s cheeks.

Mark’s heart was hammering against his ribs and he could swear that he heard his bones rattle.

“What do you need the Nintendo for?” he asked again. This time softly shaping each syllable, wrapping it carefully with thick layers of sugar powder before aiming it at Donghyuck.

Donghyuck’s lower lip was turning red and puffy as his teeth were sinking harder and harder, biting into the pink flesh. And Mark wished he could replace these teeth with his own. 

“It’s for… a friend.” Donghyuck said finally but he didn’t sound like himself at all. 

“A friend?” Mark repeated after him. That shouldn’t sound bad, that shouldn’t sound gloomy. But it did. And above all - it sounded painfully final.

“Yeah,” Donghyuck scratched the back of his head and looked up at the white ceiling. His voice was strangled as if Donghyuck was struggling to keep it as unbothered as possible. “You could say… that I have a date. Maybe. And he likes old games and stuff…”

Mark’s heart jumped before his mind connected the dots. Slowly, step after step, he was rehearsing what Donghyuck had said in his head. Something felt wrong about the whole sentence. Something felt off. Something unusual. 

It clicked faster than Mark expected, but slower than it should. Mark veins filled with tiny shreds of ice.

“He?” he echoed. Donghyuck. On a date. With another man. A man that was not Mark Lee. Mark had no idea that Donghyuck fancied boys as he fancied girls. “But I didn’t know that you are-” the words got stuck in Mark’s throat, making him choke a little bit. As if something was gathering under his skin, bubbling in his stomach and raising up in a poisonous wave only to cut off the air.

But Donghyuck read that differently because how could he possibly know.

His eyebrow twitched in annoyance and eyes flashed with a deep, dark shade of betrayal. 

“Yes, a  _ he _ .” Donghyuck hissed, spitting liquid poison and fire. “I didn’t think that you, out of all people, would have a problem with that.”

“I… I don’t.” Mark retorted but barely hearable. He was too focused on drawing fresh air into his lungs. 

He.  _ He _ . Oh, a  _ he. _ Donghyuck was going out on a date with some boy. A boy that wasn’t Mark Lee. Boy that could be Mark Lee if maybe said Mark Lee would keep his eyes open and realize that he had a chance with Donghyuck from the beginning. Only if-

Or maybe he  _ didn’t _ . Maybe Mark didn’t stand a chance from the beginning. Ever since the feeling crashed at Mark with the force of a tornado, of a storm that Donghyuck was, maybe ever since then Mark didn’t have a chance.

Because maybe now he knew that it wasn’t about his gender it was about Mark  _ being _ Mark. 

Mark being Mark didn’t have a chance.

His throat clenched tightly, the acid in the stomach growing more and more bitter, more and more overwhelming. 

“Yeah, whatever.”  _ white noise  _ but Donghyuck was speaking. A cold voice, the tone that he never used against Mark until now and Mark thought that he’d rather choke than hear it again but he couldn’t force the words out of his throat nonetheless. “Sorry, I gotta go. Let me know when you stop being a fucking idiot.” The statement, so official but honest, slapped Mark's face so hard that he could feel a bruise forming.

He watched Donghyuck get up and Mark’s finger twitched, their tips tickled and yet he couldn’t move. Strange. And then there was a hand on his shoulder and it was cold. And Donghyuck’s touch had never been cold. It always felt like a touch of sun rays. 

“See ya.” Donghyuck hissed and walked out of the room. Logically he had to walk out but to Mark, it was as if he dissolved into the thin air. 

That’s when Mark coughed for the first time. His throat tightened painfully and he wheezed as if it was his last breath. And then he felt something go up,  _ crawl up, _ his throat and the sensation was enough to make him stumble (but could he really stumble if he had fallen a long time ago?).

One, painful, agonizing cough. 

One, tiny, innocent flower laying on the middle of his palm. 

One single, wet, yellow rose petal.

* * *

“Yellow roses were discovered in the 18th century and despite lacking, usually associated with roses, the sweet scent made the world fall in love with them at the instant. They are delicate but surprisingly resistant. A yellow rose is traditionally related to the sun and stands for friendship, joy and good health.”

_ Good health. _

Mark had to laugh. He had to laugh really.

Three very precious yellow rose petals were laying on the top of his drawer, wrapped with tissue paper. 

If there was one thing Mark knew about being healthy, it usually wasn’t associated with coughing up flower petals.

* * *

This time Mark had it under control. He did some research. He reached out for help. He had this under control and he was starting to grow used to the idea that he’d either forget his… feelings for Donghyuck or die.

He had that under control because he knew how to call the state he was at: it was called “white panic”.

“That’s wrong. This is so wrong.” Mark sighed shakily, taking a gulp of water. It was a good day. He didn’t cough any petals at all today. He hadn’t seen Donghyuck in almost 3 weeks too. He started coughing the petals almost 3 weeks ago too. “It wasn’t supposed to happen. I didn’t want it to happen.”

Johnny rubbed the back of his neck. 

It was hard to hide having a crisis from your flatmate. Especially if a said crisis was accompanied by yellow petals sprawled across the table. 

Mark rocked back and forward, trying to anchor himself back to earth. Every inch of his body hurt. He wasn’t sure if it was because of a panic attack he had gone through or was it just another symptom of hanahaki. 

“I didn’t mean to upset you…” Johnny started softly and Mark knew this tone. He hated it. The pity he both craved and despised. “I just think that your parents should know.”

“There’s nothing to know.” Mark snapped angrily, the panic turning into blinding fury. “What, do you think, am I supposed to tell them? Hey mum, hey dad, sorry I can’t come to Canada for Christmas I’m not sure if I’m gonna still be alive by then. Oh, and by the way, apparently I like Donghyuck. Yes, my best friend. No, I didn’t know I liked boys either. Bye?” 

He could finally force words through his throat because there was something else that was stuck in it. If he was sitting still for long enough, he could feel the petals tickling the bottoms of his heart. He wanted to give every single petal to Donghyuck. He still didn’t have words for him.

Someone shook Mark’s shoulders. Right. Johnny. Currently problem number one. 

“Mark, stop. Don’t go spiraling again.” the pressure against Mark’s nape intensified. 

Mark hummed letting know that he had this under control. Or at least that he was getting there. He took another gulp of water, absently wondering if the roses growing in him needed watering or if  _ Donghyuck _ alone was enough. At this point, Mark wasn’t sure. 

“It’s gonna be okay,” Johnny spoke up after a couple of minutes filled with Mark’s loud breathing. “I just think that your parents should know before the surgery…”

“What,” the blood was rushing in Mark’s ears. 

“The surgery…” Johnny repeated slowly but his voice was shadowed with hesitance. “Because you’re gonna get it, right? It’s either that or… you know. It’s either that or…”

“Dying,” Mark said quietly. It was okay. He had spoken this word hundreds of times by now. Whispered into the softness of his pillow. Mouthed at his wrist. It didn’t matter. It imprinted onto his soul already.

“Exactly.” For the first time in Mark’s life, he thought that Johnny sounded _ tiny _ . 

His eyes snapped at the man next to him. His hunched shoulders. Teeth worrying his bottom lip. The traces of wetness in his eyes. Johnny was scared. Scared of Mark’s decision.

“I will forget everything about how I felt about Donghyuck if I get the surgery.” Mark voiced calmly. His hand made its way on Johnny’s knee.

“It’s a small prize for staying alive, isn’t it?” 

“I guess…”

Like hell.

* * *

“I’m so sorry, Hyuck. I have no idea why I reacted like that. If I could turn back the time I would, I would-” Mark wanted to say more but before he could his face was pressed against Donghyuck’s neck and he couldn’t, he simply couldn’t bring himself to force the words out of his throat when he could simply  _ breathe  _ Donghyuck. Nothing else mattered.

It was Jaemin who arranged their meeting. A safe ground. Jeno’s house. In the past, Mark had spent there more time than he spent studying Maths probably. (He always sucked at Maths anyway.) In the past, Mark wasn’t dying of love.

Nothing changed but everything changed, somewhere between the lines and on the thin cracks between one year and another.

To Mark, it felt as if the air was squeezed out of his lungs when he saw Donghyuck in his usual spot on the sofa. His eyes widened comically and before he could stop himself he started sobbing like a baby, the whole world dismissed for the time being. 

And now he had Donghyuck pressed against himself, his white t-shirt under Mark’s fingertips. And Mark could feel the warmth of Donghyuck’s skin through the thin fabric and it burned but Mark had always had an Icarus complex. He had always been driven to the sun. He didn’t know when to let go.

Something crawled up his throat and he could feel the tiny drops of blood rolling down inside it. Perhaps it was because of the rose’ thorns. Perhaps it was his heart crying. 

“I acted like a jerk…” Mark mumbled into the dip of Donghyuck’s collarbones. “I was just surprised that’s all but it doesn’t… it’s no excuse.”

He could feel the puff of hot air against his hairline and he could feel Donghyuck’s heartbeat with his own. The petals in Mark’s throat were slowly making it hard to breathe for him. 

_ Just one second, one or two more seconds, please. Just a second, I- _

Donghyuck moved his hands from Mark’s back onto his shoulder and swiftly pushed him away, building a safe distance. Except that it wasn't a safe distance at all. Only a couple of inches and Mark’s head was spinning because he could count Donghyuck’s moles and every and each of his imperfections. And then Mark dragged his eyes higher and he saw the wetness covering Donghyuck’s eyelashes. 

“Don’t worry, Mark. I was an idiot too…” Donghyuck muttered quietly, breaking the eye-contact. “I’m your best friend and I kind of figured that you didn’t mean to offend me or anything-”

“God, no!” Mark choked out, breathly. He could feel the petals imprinting on his throat, first hints of bitterness sitting heavy on his tongue.

“Shush,” Donghyuck shook his head. “I should have reached out to you earlier. I’m the one who should be sorry. You’re you and you’re always at a loss of words and… I overreacted a little bit? Perhaps?” His head perked up, glancing at Mark unsurely. 

Mark let out a sound of denial. He didn’t blame Donghyuck for reacting the way he did. Of course, Mark had always been nervous and anxious but it was no excuse for treating his best friend like that when he needed support. 

Knowing full well that he’d only had a couple of seconds left before he’d end up coughing, Mark quickly pressed himself back to Donghyuck. (Because he didn’t know, was scared to know, when would be the next time he could do that.) 

“I’m still sorry.” Mark forced out with a burst of awkward laughter lacing his words. 

The air wheezed in his lungs and suddenly he was pushing Donghyuck away, doubling up, one hand gripping his own knee, the other already covering his mouth.

Because Donghyuck couldn’t know.

He couldn’t see the petals spilling out from Mark’s mouth.

The cough was violent, raw, it sounded almost like a sob and it squeezed the air out of Mark’s lungs. They burned and everything hurt. He didn’t see the petals but he could feel them on his palm. 

Donghyuck gently patted Mark’s back and his touch was warm, so warm that Mark’s skin felt like melting.

“I leave you for a few weeks and you end up sick?” Mark could hear Donghyuck’s worried frown and it turned his heart into a puddle of goo. “That’s a classic Mark Lee right here.”

Another violent cough wrecked Mark's body.

Another wet petal landed on his opened palm, sneakily hiding in plain sight. 

Yes, classic Mark Lee.

* * *

“When are you going to schedule the surgery?” 

“Just give me a couple of days.”

“That’s what you said a few weeks ago.”

“It slipped my mind, Johnny.” 

* * *

“So, I know that I might be a little bit late…” Mark fidgeted uncomfortably. He knew that flowers - full flowers - would soon start scratching his throat from the inside, “But how did your date go? The one with… that boy.” he ignored the flame licking the back of his throat.

Donghyuck hummed, eyes never leaving the screen of his phone. 

“Huh? Yukhei?” he frowned slightly, “It didn’t go bad but we called everything off after the third date. I guess we weren’t each others’ types…”

Mark hated the way his heart skipped the beat. He could practically feel the rosebuds blossoming inside him. 

“Oh?” he managed to choke out.

“Yeah, so now I’m trying this whole dating thing with Jaehyun. He’s got dimples to die for.” Donghyuck grinned briefly at the screen. Apparently reminiscing at Jaehyun’s dimples. Great.

Mark thought that he also had dimples. 

Quietly he excused himself to the toilet, turned the water on and spent long minutes leaned over the toilet seat, trying to retch the petals that got stuck in his throat. 

* * *

“Mark… I don’t want to be that person again but… I know it’s getting worse. You know it’s getting worse… It’s time to set the date of the surgery…”

Mark bit the inside of his cheek. He knew that he should schedule it. He should have done it weeks ago. By now he was coughing out flowers in almost full blossom.

“I know, Johnny… I just need to…” Mark licked his lips. He could taste something bitter and flowerish on the tip of his tongue. “It’s hard to embrace the idea that I would just… y’ know.”

“Just promise you will do it this week. Please.”

Mark’s phone buzzed happily. 

**_Hyuckie:_ **

_ Ur officially the only dimple-guy ever _

**_Marks:_ **

_ Do you want me to come over? _

**_Hyuckie:_ **

_ I give you 10 mins _

_ 15 if you come with ice creams _

**_Marks:_ **

_ On my way  _

Mark subtly smiled to himself but his smile faded once he realized what he was doing. It made him feel good to know that Donghyuck was single again. Sickening. Gross. Mark was beyond disgusted. 

“-ark ...Mark? Mark? Are you even listening to me?” Johnny waved a hand right in front of Mark’s eyes. It didn’t matter. Johnny wasn’t the current problem number one.

Mark slipped the phone into his pocket before Johnny had time to take it away from him. Mark was a man on a mission. Donghyuck needed him. He could feel the corners of his lips betraying him in the way that only his soft eyes could. He scratched the back of his head, mentally running through the ice creams’ flavors. 

“Yeah, yeah.” Mark nodded at Johnny. “Surgery. Call. This week. I will put it on my calendar.”

He pretended that he didn’t hear Johnny’s concerned:

“You should keep your distance from Donghyuck until the surgery. It doesn’t help your state...”

* * *

The door was opened just like Mark expected, happily swinging the bag with two popsicles. He carefully locked it after himself. In the bag, he had an “emergency coughing” kit. In case Donghyuck started asking questions about Mark’s “cold”, he could always take some placebo meds that he prepared before ahead. This glorious plan popped into Mark’s head at the last minute but he mentally praised himself for it anyway. 

Basing off the odd silence, Jaemin and Jeno must have been out on a date because not even an echo of synthpop could be heard across the house. And frankly, as selfish and self-destructive it was, Mark was thrilled. He could barely remember the last time when he had Donghyuck all to himself.

Some vile flower flipped in his stomach and had Mark grimace. Ignoring the sore pain, he made his way to Donghyuck’s room. The grip around the plastic bag tightened and Mark could feel his heart hammering into his ribcage.

The faintest of sniffs could be heard coming from the room. Mark pushed the door.

The room was almost completely dark, save for the night lamp standing next to Donghyuck’s bed. In Mark’s opinion, Donghyuck’s eyes were much brighter. Seconds later, he realized that they were shining with glistening in the darkness with silver tears. 

And suddenly Mark felt like leaving everything, turning on his heel, finding Jaehyun’s address and sternly talking him back to his senses. 

_ How could he? _

_ How dare he? _

Mark felt like puking with a mixture of disgust, poorly hidden hatred and wet flowers.

“Mark?” Donghyuck asked quietly, wiping the lingering tears. “It took you almost half an hour, idiot.” 

“If you wait a couple of minutes longer, I can bring you Jaehyun’s head on a fucking silver plate.” Mark heard himself saying, with sharpness he didn’t know he had inside. 

The bag with popsicles dropped on the floor with a quiet rustle. 

Mark dropped on his knees next to Donghyuck’s bed the second after that. 

“We all know that you wouldn’t be able to hurt a fly, Mark Lee.” Donghyuck smiled sadly, his hand tentatively making its way to Mark’s. His skin was cold but his grip - warm. Mark found it reassuring. 

“Besides,” Donghyuck continued, “I don’t want you to get hurt. He’s not worth it. I knew that it would work out from the beginning.” he took a deep breath in. “He’s not the one I like anyway.”

“Oh.” Mark’s brain shut for a moment. Flowers were carefully leaping the back of his throat. He felt  _ sick. _ “Who is it then?”

Donghyuck sniffed again. “Not important. I’ll live with it.” he shrugged making a space on the bed and gently tugging Mark up. “For now, I just want to spend some time with you.”

Mark hesitated for a moment before crawling up on the bed. His brain was going dizzy with the warmth coming from Donghyuck, with the familiarity of the action, with the _ implications _ of Donghyuck’s words. And  _ for a moment _ he couldn’t believe that he considered scheduling the surgery when he had Donghyuck pressed here - right here - and  _ for a moment _ everything seemed fine.

Then Donghyuck nuzzled at Mark’s neck and mumbled:

“Thank you for being my best friend, Mark. You don’t even know how much it means to me that you’re here…” 

And Mark’s lungs started burning again and he could feel his throat clench around the flowers, thorns catching at the slippery walls. He tried coughing quietly, hand flying to his mouth, muffling the sound.

Donghyuck frowned into Mark’s neck.

“This thing could eventually get you killed, you know? You shouldn’t ignore it just because it’s just a cold.” he poked Mark’s chest, right above his heart and honestly Mark would laugh if it wasn’t so fucking sad. 

* * *

Things were getting better but they weren’t.

Not a single day passed for Mark without vomiting at least a couple of flowers, tangled into a bundle of green leaves and thick, bloody saliva. The taste of betrayal and bitter-sweet love made itself permanent on Mark’s tongue, making it impossible to forget about Donghyuck even for a moment. 

It probably had something to do with the sudden rise of attention from Donghyuck. They saw each other almost every day, be it for a couple of minutes. Mark tried not overthinking the fact that it had to be hard for Donghyuck to fit Mark into his schedule, juggling between college, a part-time job and other friends. 

He didn’t overthink, he tried not to get his hopes too high, because he knew that it didn’t mean anything. It couldn’t. And yet every time Mark’s screen lightened up, every time he heard a knock to his door, his heart clenched, his chest tightened and his head felt dizzy.

He learned how to swallow the flowers too. 

It couldn’t be healthy. It hurt more than retching them but at the end of the week, Mark considered himself a pro at it. 

He mused that it was worth it. Worth not having Donghyuck’s worried gaze on his chest. Because who knew. If he stared too long. Maybe he would see dozens of yellow, golden flowers blooming inside Mark.

* * *

“November 14th sounds right for you, sir?”

“Yeah.” his tongue felt numb but for once it wasn’t because of the bitter and metallic aftertaste of his own vomit.

“Great. 9 am, November 14th it is then.”

“14th November it is then.” he echoed, praying for any emotion to fill the growing void in his chest.

“See you there, mister Lee.”

“Yeah.”

_ He had less than two weeks. _

* * *

Mark knew shit was serious when Donghyuck actually bothered to use interpunction. 

**_Hyuckie:_ **

_ I’m coming over. _

**_Marks:_ **

_ I’m not at home??? _

_ :o _

**_Hyuckie:_ **

_ Tough luck. _

_ Well, I hope you will be home in an hour. _

_ Because, Mister, you’d rather be there when I come. _

Mark had never left his shopping cart in the middle of a store until this day.

* * *

Mark had always praised himself for wearing a heart on his sleeve. It was embarrassing at times but knowing that his friends and family knew how much Mark cared for them made it up for the shame. 

Until Donghyuck happened. Until Mark realized that for once it would be better to lock his heart in his chest and let it blossom in the tiniest and most scary of all gardens.

Mark wore his heart on his sleeve until he was standing in front of Donghyuck, panting, trying hard not to curl in himself under his best friend’s unforgiving gaze. Quickly, quicker than ever, Mark tucked his heart into his chest, hiding it behind the traitorous maze of sharp thorns and plants dripping with bleeding love.

He swallowed the bundle of yellow roses before they could cause any more damage but in Donghyuck’s eyes, he saw that he wasn’t fast enough. That Donghyuck had  _ seen _ . That perhaps he  _ knew _ . Mark took a step back.

“I can explain…” he breathed out heavily, still weary after running, after choking with one of the roses. No matter how much air he inhaled through his nose, none of that seemed to get into his lungs.

He thought that it would be a pity to die three days before his surgery. 

But it was a risk that he took by postponing it for so long.

“You think that your explanation would make up for that?” Donghyuck spat at him, vaguely gesturing at Mark’s hunched posture. “Because I think not.” His eyes were burning.

Mark’s chest was heaving violently as he struggled to calm his breathing. It was hard. So hard. Knowing that his heart might be peeking behind the tall wall where Mark left it to rot.

“It’s not what you think…” 

“I know the poison when I see the symptoms.” Donghyuck chuckled grimly. Mark wished he would never hear this sound again. “You have fucking drying blood in the corners of your lips.”

Mark quickly wiped his mouth, cheeks burning in embarrassment. Lungs burning with love.

“Who is it?” Donghyuck didn’t ask, he demanded the answer. But Mark was in love, he wasn’t stupid, he wasn’t naive, he wasn’t foolish. He didn’t want to be hurt any more than he already was.

He shook his head, glancing at Donghyuck behind wet eyelashes. “I don’t want to talk about it, no. It doesn’t matter. It will be over soon”

Donghyuck narrowed his eyes, “Soon?” he repeated, raising his eyebrow.

“Less than a week.” Mark focused on playing with the zipper of his hoodie.

“Johnny didn’t tell me for how long it’s been going,”  _ traitor  _ “ But, I’ve seen the flowers, Mark,” said Donghyuck after a beat of silence. His voice was much softer than before, almost startling soft. His lips were soft in the corners. Mark’s heart stuttered. “They’re almost in full bloom.” one hesitant step forward and Mark’s heart soared with pain. “Why did you wait for so long?” 

Mark finally raised his gaze, feeling brave enough, daring enough to look into the warmth of Donghyuck’s eyes. He thought that it would be very selfish of him to tell Donghyuck that he waited for moments like that.

“It’s hard to let go.”

He expected Donghyuck to scream at him, to shout and mockingly praise Mark’s idiocy. That embarrassed blush? that shameful look? that fumbling? It wasn’t what Mark expected. He took a hesitant step forward. One step for Mark, another petal for his stomach.

“I used to suffer from hanahaki once.” blurted Donghyuck suddenly. “I used to suffer from hanahaki once,” he repeated much slower this time.

Mark dumbfounded. 

_ He didn’t know. How come he didn’t know? _

“When?”

“Years ago.” Donghyuck laughed and it sounded sad, it sounded bitter. “I’m still friends with them. Wouldn’t trade that for anything.” He looked at Mark sharply, as if he was trying to figure something out. “That’s how I got rid of that rosy shit. I managed to convince myself that as long as they love me as a friend, my feelings are  reciprocated.”

“I wouldn’t be able to convince myself like that.” Mark shook his head immediately. “I don’t think I could look at them, knowing that our love is different.”

_ I can barely look at you now.  _

* * *

Fluorescent stars glued to the ceiling (Johnny’s idea) were winking at Mark, teasing him for the secret they kept for him. Mark glared back at them praying that they stayed silent. That they wouldn’t start sprinkling them with fairy dust and unspoken mysteries of Mark’s heart.

“Tell me who that is.”

Mark sighed. “Even if I told you, which I won’t, what would you do?”

“I would force them to love you back, obviously.” Donghyuck sneered at the question.

“You can’t… you can’t force that kind of feeling onto someone.”

Donghyuck hummed and rolled on his stomach. “It doesn’t hurt to try.”

Mark slightly pinched Donghyuck’s forearm, making him yelp with pain.

_ See? Sometimes, it hurts to try. _

  
  


Mark was dozing off when Donghyuck arms found their way to his waist. That gesture alone was enough to strip Mark off any chance of falling asleep, even before something inside him twisted like a snake. Too bad that Mark himself was his own poison. If it wasn’t for his feelings for Donghyuck, he wouldn’t-

Donghyuck’s arms squeezed Mark’s middle and it was like a push, like the movement itself pressed the right button in his body.

Mark’s toes curled and his heels planted into the bed. Hands helplessly gripped the closest thing - one tangled in white sheets, the other in Donghyuck’s white t-shirt. 

Reflecting on these events, Mark thought that surely Donghyuck was woken up by the blunt nails digging into his flesh. Back then, it felt as if it was the hoarse cry of Mark’s heart that pulled Donghyuck out of the dreamland. And oh, was his heart tired of singing the same song over and over again. 

Mark weakly pushed Donghyuck away and tried sitting up. His muscles were strained and his breath - saccadic. His lungs were burning as if someone set them on fire and they were made out of paper and naivety. So fragile.

“Gods…” he choked out, blindly trying to put himself into a sitting position and shuffle away from the body beside him. 

The stars above him weren’t glowing white anymore - instead, they were glimmering with tiny black spots and if they were trying to spell Mark’s secrets. Mark’s fingers helplessly twisted in the blanket as he desperately fought to remain conscious. He let out a pained cry.

The flowers in his throat didn’t feel like flowers at all. They felt like knives. Thick tears started falling from his eyes, blurring the spellings on the ceiling and in the sky.

He had no idea where he was. The only place he knew was his body and it was because it hurt.

_ Too bad he had to die two days before the surgery but it was the risk he took.  _

Vaguely Mark registered someone pulling him up and suddenly his back was leaning against something warm. The knives were digging their way up to his throat and he could already feel the blood in his mouth. Gasping for air, Mark clenched his stomach and hurled what felt like molten, sharp lava. 

It was like nothing that happened to him before. Even in the darkness of the room, he could see the dark spots peppering yellow petals, pierced with tiny thorns. Suddenly his mouth felt dry like a dessert leave for the terrible aftertaste of blood. 

Someone pressed the cold glass into his hands.

“Drink.” not an ask but order and Mark obeyed because he wouldn’t say no even if the glass contained nothing but acid. 

A cold water slid down his throat and Mark felt his eyelids sliding down too. 

“Don’t you dare to faint on me, Mark Lee.” it sounded furious but it was strangely vulnerable fury. Mark blinked his eyes open and drank the remaining water. 

Feeling like his thirst was at least a little bit sated, he let his body go almost completely slack against the weight behind him. Drawing in a sharp, but clear, inhale Mark watched someone’s fingers wrap around his wrist, tentatively checking the pulse. All dazed Mark still couldn’t quite remember who was beside him.

Warm breath tickled the top of Mark’s head and something wet and hot dripped on the dip of his collarbone. 

“Tell me who it is or I swear to god.” 

_ A beat of silence, a click of two puzzles inside Mark’s head. _

_ Hyuck was here. Right. _

“Hyuck,” he rasped with difficulty. Under any other circumstances, he would try to pull away but he reckoned that he’d probably collapse before the last inch of his skin would peel away from Donghyuck’s warmth. 

_ Another beat of silence and Mark starts doubting himself all over again. _

“What?” Donghyuck’s voice was strangled.

_ Shit. _

_ Because of course, Donghyuck would misunderstand if Mark phrased it like that. _

“No, wait. No.” his hands and legs were aching but he had to try, to move away, to put distance. His breath was once again growing heavy. “No, not like that.” he attempted to push himself away from Donghyuck’s frantic heartbeat. 

_ A snort - hopeless and dull. _

“Yeah, of course.” Donghyuck adjusted the grip around Mark’s waist. “Don’t fight me, tiger. I’m just teasing,” he said but his heartbeat didn’t stop racing. Mark knew that for sure. He could feel it on his back. 

Mark felt like crying. It probably wouldn’t even cross Donghyuck’s mind to fall in love with him. He shouldn’t even think about it if he wanted to breathe till the next morning. But Mark’s head and heart were aching and he had absolutely nothing to lose. He twisted his head to the back, leaning his cheek on Donghyuck’s shoulder. It was uncomfortable as hell. Mark didn’t mind.

“And what if it was you?” his voice was paper-thin, the tiniest of sparks could wipe it out from the surface of the earth forever.

Donghyuck’s breath hitched but if Mark wasn’t pressed against his chest, he wouldn’t be able to tell. 

“If it was me,” Donghyuck started cautiously and it was as if he carefully picked every single word before voicing it. “Then there would be no problem to begin with, right?”

He sounded so quiet, so deflected, so small and Mark would swear that he had to look at Donghyuck’s lips because he had trouble hearing him properly. That along with other perks that came with looking at Donghyuck’s lips. Mark blinked heavily weighting the words in his heart, trying to make any sense out of that. His blood was slowly starting buzzing with adrenaline.

“I don’t know if I understand.” he frowned finally, letting himself to look into Donghyuck’s eyes.

_ They always looked like galaxies. But right now they were much softer, verging over broken and shattered, put back together with glitter and liquid gold. _

Donghyuck snorted and looked away and Mark wished he didn’t.

“Come on, Mark Lee, don’t make me say that. You must have figured this out by now.” Donghyuck hummed softly, his fingers gently combing through Mark’s sweaty hair. 

“I don’t.”

Donghyuck tsked with displeasure and tilted his head, looking back at Mark again.  _ Broken galaxies glued with glitter and gold.  _

“I don’t understand what’s the point of me saying that when you’re suffering from hanahaki for someone else but sure.” it was dark but Donghyuck’s cheeks reddened visibly. “If you fell in love with me, you shouldn’t grow any flowers because it’s not one-sided love.” 

“What.”  _ white noise but Donghyuck was here and he was speaking words that Mark couldn’t believe. _

“Well, yeah. Don’t rub it on of me. Surely, you must have known. We could be friends earlier, we can still be friends. Don’t turn your back on me now.” Donghyuck scoffed but tears were already forming in the corners of his eyes, making the galaxies in them pop out. “You ask yourself,” he added, before ducking his head down and lying it on Mark’s shoulder.

_ It didn’t sound like a lie. _

_ Why would Donghyuck lie like that? _

_ He would not. _

Mark let out a breath he was holding. For the first time in weeks, it wasn’t rough nor harsh. He was breathing as he did  _ before _ .

“Oh my gosh,” Mark whispered sharply and Donghyuck raised his head. It left a hot stain of wetness on Mark’s shirt.

“Are you going to vomit again? I have to bring more water, just hold on.” Donghyuck asked panicked, trying to wiggle away from Mark.

“No.” Mark laughed awkwardly. He felt light. He felt like he could fly away, that’s how light he was. 

That made Donghyuck stop abruptly. “You’re sure you’re not getting worse?” he suspiciously, arched his eyebrow. 

Mark shook his head. “I’m pretty sure that I’ll be good from now on,” he said cheerily, pressing himself closer to Donghyuck’s side. “I’m not sick anymore.”  _ blood rushing under his skin, anxiety, and excitement and anticipation soothing the gone soreness. _

“Don’t joke around like that for fuck’s sake,” Donghyuck glared at him and reached out to gently touch the spot between Mark’s collarbones. His touch felt like boiling water was dripping on it. 

“I’m not.” Mark shook his head, pouting slightly, trying to play it cool. The heart in his chest was beating so hard that he was afraid it would break itself free. It had been locked in the tower for too long. It  _ longed _ . “Because. Now… I know that my love isn’t unrequited…” he dwelled off, pretending that his voice didn’t crack three times already. 

Donghyuck’s eyes widened abruptly, letting the silvers and glitters spill across the room. His mouth was hanging open, wide enough for Mark to see the tongue inside. He wanted to lean and close it with his own lips perhaps but it wasn’t the right time yet. 

“Are you fucking with me?” Donghyuck breathed out, carefully shaping the soundless air into a question. It was meant to sound sharp. It didn’t.

“Do I sound like I’m choking?” a firm shake of Donghyuck’s head - he didn’t. “Do I sound like I’m in pain?” another shake. “Do I sound like I’m joking?” a moment of hesitance, a nervous glance at Mark’s hand, resting so close to Donghyuck’s.

Fingers sliding into Mark’s hand, tentative and shaky as if Donghyuck was ready to pull away any moment soon. Skin against skin. Clammy warm skin on clammy cold skin. Mark should be grossed out. He wasn’t. Instead, he squeezed Donghyuck’s hand a little bit harder, making his lips quirk up. Words were crashing in his throat once again but that was okay. Mark would choose to stumble over words over choking on flowers, every single time.

“I… the flowers… They were for…” Mark thought he was brave again but yet again suddenly he found himself ripped off all cards.

“Shush…” Donghyuck murmured with a tiny glint in his eyes. 

He was closer than before. Much closer. Mark could bet on that. His eyelashes fluttered and he could feel the familiar tingling on his lips. Donghyuck was just one breath away and-

\- And then he rested his forehead above Mark’s and looked him in the eyes. In some ways, it was much more intimate than what Mark had expected.

“Gods, you’re so beautiful.” Donghyucks sighed, moving one of his hands from Mark’s waist on his nape. His touch left a crackling hot trace on the skin. 

Mark made a low, embarrassed sound on the back of his throat. Maybe because suddenly everything was too much, maybe because suddenly nothing seemed enough. 

_ Donghyuck’s warm breath of his lips. Tickling sensitive skin, raising goosebumps on Mark’s arms, stirring the blood in his veins.  _

“Can I kiss you?” Donghyuck asked quietly and Mark didn’t even hesitate. To him, Donghyuck could take and take, because he had already given Mark the greatest of gifts. 

The first brush of their lips was delicate like the touch of a butterfly. Careful and precious. Barely there but there for long enough to feel blissful. 

Mark didn’t mean to chase after Donghyuck’s lips but he did.

The second kiss was a little bit firmer, less wavering and more passionate. For the first time in his life, Mark could say that he knew how Donghyuck tasted (like mint and sunray and it was the best thing on Earth).

The third kiss, shared shortly after the second, was more Mark-and-Donghyuck than two first kisses. There was Mark with his hesitant pressure, softly applied on Donghyuck’s lower lip in the way that made the other growl with annoyance. Then there was Donghyuck bursting with energy and passion - so much passion - pulling Mark closer with his whole body. Caressing his ribs and stomach, holding the back of his neck until Mark surrendered like planned. Because he had no chance to win from the beginning. 

Mark didn’t even realize when Donghyuck swiftly changed their positions, straddling Mark’s hips and bumping his chest against Mark’s chest. Their heartbeats echoed with the same rhythm. 

A delighted gasp ripped out from Donghyuck’s throat, like a harmless petal. Hanging innocently between them as they broke their kiss, breathing heavily. 

“So what now?” Donghyuck asked and Mark couldn’t help but be entranced with the sight of Donghyuck’s swollen lips. 

It was a welcomed sight. Mark would love to see that more often in the future. 

Clearly Donghyuck must have been thinking the same because his eyes unwillingly traveled from Mark’s dark eyes to his lips.

“I have several ideas…” Mark hummed, quickly leaning in and pressing a peck in the corner of Donghyuck’s lips.

“Talk about it tomorrow?” Donghyuck’s fingers dug into Mark’s shoulders.

“Talk about it tomorrow.” agreed Mark, half of the sentence blurring under the sudden pressure of Donghyuck’s lips on his.

* * *

“My name’s Mark Lee, I was scheduled for surgery in two days.”

“Mark Lee, yes. A pretty nasty case of hanahaki disease. Is there anything wrong, sir?” 

“No, gods no.” Mark laughed to the phone and elbowed Donghyuck’s ribs, mouthing for him to move away. “I wanted to inform that the surgery would not be necessary.”

“That’s very good to hear, sir. In that case, I would like to rec-”

Donghyuck snatched the phone from Mark’s hand and canceled the call.

“I can’t believe that you want to spend our first date on a phone, Mark Lee,” he complained and slipped the phone in the front pocket of Mark’s jacket. His touch was lingering for long enough for Mark to catch his wrist, pull him closer and pressed his lips to Donghyuck’s forehead.

Donghycuk giggled, his cheeks covering with a pink flush.

It was different. Once they woke up. Both of them felt bare under the sunlight with their feelings for each other casting long shadows on the floor. Donghyuck hand was shaking when he caressed Mark’s neck. Mark’s breath hitched when Donghyuck pressed his ear against his chest. For now, bold touches and brave words were still an offering for the night, leaving them much more hesitant in the sun. Two flowers that had just started blooming.

Mark mused that it was okay. They would eventually get there anyway. 

He had always been Icarus for Donghyuck’s sun.

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> And so we will never know what happened to popsicles that Mark got for Hyuck, rip popsicles.
> 
> (could you tell that author sucks are describing kisses? because they kinda do...)
> 
> scream with me over Lee Haechan on my [ twitter ](https://twitter.com/sunbathed_)


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